Dear Guy Who Obviously Sprayed Axe All Over Himself Before Going On a Run,

maxresdefaultHi there. We haven’t officially been introduced. I’m Michelle. You probably don’t even remember me. You passed me while we each were on a run going opposite directions the other evening. I was the woman in the turquoise athletic shirt I bought to guilt-trip myself into exercise every time I open my drawer, and see it alongside the blue shorts with a small hole in the backside I eventually will have to come to terms with and throw them away or retire them as PJ shorts. Not as put together as you with your spotless t-shirt bragging about the marathon you ran recently, spotless running shorts, and spotless running shoes with the brightest neon green laces I’ve ever seen (which, while we’re on the subject, why?).

Anyway, I just wanted to ask why you felt you needed to apply Axe Body Spray all over yourself before your evening run? (My guess is “Essence,” not that I have ever spent any time smelling the various scents when I was shopping at Walgreens late one Friday night when had been feeling very aware how long I had been single. Again, just to iterate: I have never done this.) Continue reading

Are You There, Michelle? It’s Me, Insomnia.

Psst. Michelle. You still awake?
Oh good!

I know it’s bedtime and all, and you’ve got to get up in, like, 5 and a half hours. But I was just thinking, remember that time in 2nd grade when someone on the school bus farted and an older kid yelled out “Aw man, who had beans for dinner?” and you didn’t know beans cause gas and your family did just have green beans last night, and you were so excited to be able to interact with an older cool kid on the bus that you proudly proclaimed “I did!” and everyone laughed and laughed at you? Continue reading

Sometimes I Shave My Legs and Sometimes I Don’t (and other reasons I’m awesome)

This past winter has been absolutely awful and cold and awful. And awful. But today had a glimmer of hope: the first warm-ish day of the year! A balmy 67 degrees! Sure it was raining too, so I couldn’t go frolic in a field in my state of elation just before sunset, like a tampon commercial. But I didn’t care. It was WARM. And on these first few days of nice weather where I don’t have to bundle up layer upon layer, I let free my gaggle of cute dresses from their closeted prison. The future is bright with sundresses! And flowy skirts!

On this commemorative It’s Not Horrendously Awful and Cold Outside Day, I picked a tame 3/4 sleeve plum faux-wrap dress. A simple, understated frock. Not my absolutely favorite, that would be too much pressure for a dress on the first warm day. But something nice, that I enjoy wearing, and makes me feel confident and pretty. I put it on, and looked down at my arms and legs, newly exposed to the air. And then I remembered.

Oh. Right. It’s been winter. And I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. Continue reading

Hair Do. Hair Don’t.

I am not the most, shall we say, fashion forward gal. I live in a constant state of fear that a team from one of those style-police-make-over shows on TLC will pop out at any given moment and make me throw away the turtleneck I’m wearing (they’re behind me right now, aren’t they?). And I can only imagine what they would tell me about my hair, “A low ponytail held back with a brightly colored hair tie?! What is this, [decade when this would have been an acceptable]?!!”

I just have no idea what to do with my hair. No idea at all. Continue reading

If You Give a Twentysomething an Errand…

I know this blog makes it seem like all I do is drink wine and sit on my couch watching the “Game of Thrones” season 3 DVDs I borrowed from my brother as fast as I can so I can catch up and not worry about spoilers on Twitter. I mean, as a totally hypothetical example (don’t anybody tell me what happens at whatever the “Red Wedding” is).  It’s true that a lot of my recreation tends to involve a recliner, a cast of quirky characters, and overtly ignoring a large pile of laundry. But here’s the shocker, sometimes I do responsible things.  Yes, there have been documented cases where I got out of bed on a Saturday at a reasonable hour and Got. Shit. Done. I’m talking “got my drivers license renewed and my oil changed, went to the bank, cleaned out the inside of my microwave, and properly researched a more affordable cell phone planall before noon” kind of shit-doneness. Continue reading

DIY: Medical Diagnosis

So you’ve decided to self-diagnose your physical ailment instead of going to the doctor. Congratulations! All your alarmist friends and family who are imploring you to visit a medical professional and throwing around phrases like “that looks infected” really only have one thing in mind: your health. They are not taking into account your financial situation (medical bills can be expensive, even with insurance) onr your busy schedule (it’s like they don’t even care that the So You Think You Can Dance results show is on tonight). You’ve made a decision considering many different elements, which just proves how much of an adult you are–like when you switched from white to whole-grain bread. But learning to self-diagnose takes a very specific skill-set. If you’re nervous or unsure how to begin learning to self-diagnose, here’s a beginner’s guide to help you through the process:

Continue reading

An Open Letter to NBC

Dear NBC,

First of all, thanks for shows like “The Office” and “Parks and Rec.” And letting Tina Fey poke fun at you. You’ve got some great entertainment going on. Quality programing, really. But, I would like to ask one thing of you, if I may. Please stop being a bully about the Olympics.

 For the sake of full disclosure, let me explain that I’m part of that pesky demographic who doesn’t actually subscribe to cable provider (I know, we are sooo annoying). We all have different reasons for it, the common being that many of us would rather spend $100 a month on a data plan for our smartphones so we can send snapchats of our sushi to make our friends jealous or our lunch decisions, instead of using that money for cable access to 5,000 channels that only play “NCIS” or really depressing reality TV shows. Continue reading